I always catch myself daydreaming about moments that wont ever happen, but in that exact moment when I snap out of it, my hopes just fail on me, knowing it's not real.

It's always situations that have never happened to me before, mostly ones that would only happen in movies.

What does it even mean to wake up and smell the coffee? I don't fucking get it, I hate being given advice, no one knows what the fuck they're talking about at all.

I've been hanging out with a lot of my old friends lately. It feels nice to finally have that same old laugh back again.

Apparently I've become really 'bitchy' lately. But I haven't noticed it at all. I think its drifting people away from me though. I can't seem to find anybody who can hold a conversation with me longer than 10 mins at a time.

It's getting pretty lonely now, oops.

"what took you so long?"
"i just walked in the door "
"ohhh, do you miss me? "
"oddly enough, but I do!"
"you said I do! I guess that means were married."
"i guess so."

So today was another day where my mind is out of control with thoughts, memories, and all that bullshit. I realized today what I've learned living here. I found out about the good and evil in everyone and what being 'fake' is. I don't want to trust anyone anymore, but I don't want to be lonely forever. So many people have failed a poorly excuse of a friendship with me. What's wrong with me? I made myself who I am to be today, and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not.

I'm such a cold bitch lately, like my words are so meaningless. I'm never like this, ever ever ever, in the past 3 days I've been nothing but heartless, and grumpy. I want it to stop, but I don't even have the motivation anymore to say a simple 'sorry' to anyone.

Maybe this will grow old, maybe I'll eventually mature, or get worse, I don't know anymore.

This is a whisper for help.

I dreamed last night I saw you
A single spark explosion
Negotiating with the dead
By the bright lights in some ice
On my chest you put your head
And said...
There you are
There you are
There's my heart

This morning I woke up, feeling really good, not about anything in particular, maybe it was that 8 full hours of sleep I finally got. I didn't go to bed til 5 am though. I'm going to spend the rest of my evening at my Oma's house. I haven't been there in awhile, and I feel horrible for it. She doesn't have much longer to live.. I'm gonna spend my time with her other than slacking on this computer all day.

I still don't really know what to think of this new year yet, so far not so good. But it's still very early. The things I want to happen aren't going fast enough, but maybe that's a good thing. I still have a whole year right to make things the best for me.

I haven't really been drawing in my sketchbook lately, I should be though, I like drawing thoughts more than writing or typing them.

I spend spend half of everyday wondering about the future.
Someone pack me in a suitcase now.

I finally did it, I finally figured out what is wrong with me, why I act like this and what I do wrong to make people so upset. This town has got the best of me and now I'm paying the price. Now I'm doing everyone a favor by leaving, no no no, I'm not running away from my problems, it's just how it is. But I just find that ever since I moved to this town, I've turned into a monster. I used to be so much more, and better, healthier, happy..

I want to forget about those shitty things, start new, and don't turn around.I'm moving back with my Dad. I couldn't be anymore happier about this. I never wanted to be here in the first place. I had hopes coming here that just went down the drain.

It may seem I'm making everything about me, but I'm really not.
I never know what I'm doing, or about to do. I don't think twice. I'm just one big messed up person, and I'm not apologizing for it either. I am who I am. I changed because of me, I let this happen myself.

I also let guys get the best of me too. No matter which boy it is I fall for, or even think about, I somehow end up in a deep ditch, and let my emotions go. I'm done trying for any guy, nothing but a big let down. Sorry if that came off bad, but you'd know if you understood what I ever went through with just one ex boyfriend. p.s. I hate you forever.

I'm doing the best I can for myself.I'm gonna have things going steady soon.
I just got to pick up the shitty pieces that fell apart.Say my goodbyes, no looking back.

This is really it this time..